To the loves of my life...when I'm gone

To the loves of my life...when I'm gone
smile and be happy because you made our relationship intentional. 

I have lost a few very close loved ones in my life-some by death and the others because of distance.
Some of my relationships have died due to our personal differences, and our purpose in life has taken us in opposite directions. We no longer served each other any purpose or good.

I often wonder if they left knowing, knowing that i really did love them.
With our new virtual reality and life where we share pretty much everything online i see lots of people commenting about people they have lost. They share their last moments together, some share how much that person meant to them while others in most cases often talk about the regrets and the 'if only'.

You see when i am gone (whether it be due to death or simply life has tasked me with another adventure), i hope 'we' know how much we 'mean' to each other.

I have been making (or trying my best at least) to make each day intentional, i try to associate myself with people who keep me grounded, who challenge me, who love me and make me laugh, who make me learn and hopefully i have the same effect in their lives.

From what i have observed, people find it easier to complain about how tough life is (No i know how life can be tough) but its hard to meet people who point out the blessings in life. Who despite the hardships and pain, they still make their life intentional and spread love and happiness.

When i am gone, i don't want 'randoms' to claim that they knew me, or that 'we' promised to meet for coffee/food and we didn't- because that would be bullshit.
If you know me, you would know that i would make the effort- No 'what ifs' and 'buts'. If i cant make it then i would also make another plan to make sure we do meet.
So when i am gone, my loved ones, please keep an eye on those randoms who talk about the 'what ifs' and 'buts'- tell them to Stop!

I also realise that often people don't truly share how they feel about a person until its too late. I speak from experience. I lost a dear love to death and our relationship was a honest one and we did share alot but when it came to me making the decision of being with that person, i chose not to.
Simply because i cared way too much about other peoples feelings more and was thinking about the 'what ifs' of our friendship.
He died soon after and our last conversation was of tears, heartbreak and disappointment. Perhaps that's why i am still dealing with that loss. But that was also a turning point for me, to make each day count.
 I have had some bad years whereby i was not living intentionally, i complained about my life, my health was a curse and the inability of having children added to my misery.
I refused to listen to reason, i hated myself more each day because of the choices i made in life and simply didn't bother telling my loved ones how much love i had for them.
It was during this time, that i also realised that i was losing my loves because of the 'if only' and 'what ifs'.

Fast forward to the present-  i am pretty content and happy. I have people who i am constantly in touch with. I make an effort and my goodness this is not easy especially when you come from a very close extended family of more than 'hundreds'. I mean my elders made sure that our families meet frequently to keep the 'connection' strong, history alive and also to pass on the love.
I am investing 'a lot of me' in my relationship with friends and making sure that i value and love them. Though at times i struggle articulating it.
I am also making time for me, so i get to know me abit more, i respect myself more now and i know i am more than enough.

To the loves of my life...when I'm gone, i don't want to be remembered for the 'what ifs' and 'if only' because know that i have worked a great deal for more than 30 years of my life to live a resilient life that is filled with intention, hard work, passion, laughter, tears and bloody hell lots and lots of gooood love!!