To look 'able' and yet be 'disabled'

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I write because it gives me power. 


I share some personal stories about myself, in hope that it would give another person reading this, power and strength to continue with their life. 


This blog that i write today will be about the demon i have been fighting and i must say i have continued to win each and every time except for the past few months- it has made me think otherwise.

My battle with my health has been a fucked up experience till date. From popping pills likes its no ones business, being cut open, and to be a guinea pig to the medical world simply because of the lack of research around this disease.

The past two months has been quite difficult. You know why i say this- its because i 'laid myself bare' for the world to see how vulnerable and shitty i was actually feeling. I am an introvert and one of the things i hate, is showing or talking about my emotions to the majority (and even the minority away from my comfort space). But some may feel and say otherwise and mention how i write about my emotions so easily :-) , like i said earlier- i write because it gives me power- and i specifically choose to write on my issues that i am comfortable with and i am in control of my narrative. I am the storyteller of my own experiences.

Anyways, my disease has been taking the front seat of my own life and experiences. The choices that i was given to 'manage' this disease were not even ideal let alone something i would consider as options- but thats what i have been given. Can you imagine not having a cure but the only way to 'manage' the disease is with pills (often with bad side-effects) and being cut open/going under the knife each time my disease flares up.

This disease is fucking irritating, frustrating and such an inconvenience to my life. To look 'able' and yet be 'disabled' in so many facets of my life has been the hardest. This is what pisses the hell out of me! I love dancing (like a fairy- known to those who are close and familiar to me) and i love my fiji bitter...and these two things have come to an abrupt stop. I Hate it!

Yes i am just venting! i am sick of it and it bores the hell out of me.

I want to include a list of 'i hate it list', but i shall refrain from doing so, i may just not know when to stop.

What has this disease done:

  1. stole my sleep
  2. taken over my organs
  3. steals life experiences
  4. continues to steal my energy and sanity
  5. it chooses what i need to eat and stop eating ( I hate this the most)
  6. put a stop to my fiji bitter ways :-)
  7. put away my fairy dancing shoes
  8. continues to fuck me up and i shall stop adding to this list because its taking up time!


Anyways, good things have been happening and i am focusing my energy on these things:

  • i continue to surround myself with beautiful loving humans
  • i am humbled by the love and care i receive from individuals whom i have recently connected with
  • i am in charge and i am in control of my body


This disease shall not take away ME








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