“Lets talk about the Elephant in the room”

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A lot has happened since I last wrote on my blog and perhaps the reason why I have not written anything is because I am playing catch up with time and trying to sort this “elephant in the room” out.

I have struggled to write recently, mainly because for me to write I need inspiration and as of late I have not been inspired and nor have I experienced any magical feeling. 
It’s been hard to write, especially when it feels like I am a dog chasing my own tail.

I recently discovered a few things about me, like how I fear ‘conflict’ which for me means ‘instability’ which then takes me back to personal painful life experiences. That explains a lot about me especially how I carry myself and how I interact with people.

A recent training that I was part of, allowed me to remove all these layers that I had considered part of me. I didn’t realize how much hurt and pain I was carrying, hiding and ignoring. I also feared being seen as a big ‘softie’, I didn’t want to be deemed weak- I mean a perfect example would be my previous failed relationship and how I didn’t give in entirely to the pain and I refused to be weakened by what I had experienced. Reflecting back on that relationship made me realize how avoiding conflict (my fear), made me stay in a toxic relationship (for some time/ a long time)- a relationship that made me become so unrecognizable to not only me but also people who were close to me.

Early this year, I reopened old bags of mine that contained my diaries, and it was shocking to find the things I was experiencing and writing. It seemed like I was living a life out of those thriller movies. I was living a double life- what I wrote in my diaries spoke of my truth and painful experiences while I continued to live a life of a fairytale. It was a façade. I lived a double life!

That training that I had attended not only provided me with the opportunity to relook at my personal attitudes and behaviors but allowed me to reflect back into my life and put the ‘self’ under the microscope and really address this ‘big elephant’ in my life. 

It’s definitely not an easy thing to face ones fear- its definitely not an easy thing to do, especially to see myself in a vulnerable situation. I know it will take a while but at least this elephant is being finally dealt with!




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