What's in a name?

"Confused, I drink out of both. Why should it matter if a stream of cool, refreshing water pours into my mouth or another?"

Margarita Engle, Enchanted Air: Two Cultures, Two Wings. 

"Viii-naii-nahh, ummm Veeninaaa, Viniana, Vinai-na Kalokalo", as the teacher struggled to say this name while i looked around confused to see who this person was. 
As i looked around, i also wondered how familiar those names were. 
I knew too well that that's not how you pronounce 'that' name- you really had to stress all the syllables.

That was perhaps my first realisation of the stigma and insecurity this name carried. 
Unlike most of the population, i was born with a different name and different identity. 

I was born during a time (and still live in a time)  that is full of racism and hatred.
As someone who is of mixed ethnicity, it has always been a struggle -  it wasn't about fitting in but rather a struggle to belong.

I think that's been it- i have always struggled to belong which has led to my unique sense of style, taste and books. I wont change it for anything but i see how not being able to fit into the social and cultural constructs of our society has made me who i am today. 

I was born "Vinaina Kalokalo". 
That name carried a lot of shame and insecurity for me. 

It carried the 'bullying' experiences, it carried 'racism and disgust', it carried the 'bastard' label, it carried 'you don't belong' title, it carried 'violence, trauma and hurt', it carried the 'half-caste' title, and the list is endless. We forget how hurtful we as humans can be. We honestly don't reflect enough on the words we use daily, for me all these were closely associated with that name. 

It was just very recently that i was made/forced to reflect on this part of my life. To reflect on the name that was given to me- the name that became mine, legally. 

It was at one of one of my class this year, when my Professor looked me in the eye and asked me why i no longer used my Fijian name. It felt like he knew my past and who i was as a person. 

I honestly was going to fall flat on my face and disappear.

Firstly, how did he know that i have/had a Fijian name?
I stuttered, i mumbled and i felt like a child again, a child that was going to burst into tears-

He didn't mean harm, my name was still a sensitive topic for me. 

He went on to talk about his cultural identity and how our names carry not just a name but it was more than that- our names tell stories, its about our 'customs and traditions', its about our family lineage, its about rituals, its about our family connections and ties, its about us as a clan and not as individuals!

That conversation and confrontation really made me rethink this whole "i-taukei name issue" business. 
I realised i carried a sense of shame with that name. 
That name for me carried a lot of shame- a shame that only i as a child had gone through and didn't want to remember. 

I refused to acknowledge that name simply because of the history associated to it- but then again why did i intentionally put that name aside and take on a middle name that had no history, nor did it have any cultural significance apart from the fact that it was a name that was huge within the pop industry in the 90s  and has now become a huge fashion label...and it is this name that i now have- sigh. 

For someone who is precious about her 'roots', of her family heritage, culture and traditions,  i have been quite hypocritical especially when it came to my name. 

I know enough about my family connections to know who i am related to and of our family names, i know who we are as a clan, i know more about my indigenous Fijian & Indian culture/tradition than most of my peers (in most cases)- but when it came to 'my name'- i refused to acknowledge it. 

Now i am on rediscovering this name, its meaning and to love it again. 
To truly love it and embrace it as part of me. Its a journey and it just started!

So what's in a name? alot i reckon...
What's in my name?? well alot, alot of history, alot of family, culture and love is in my name. 

Veena is a musical instrument, an instrument that the Goddess Saraswati plays. I was named after my Fua. Maybe it was because she lived far away..maybe my family thought i resembled a lot of her in me and my smile. 

I was supposed to be named "Vilimaina Kalokalo Ranadi" (goodluck) with its origins from the Tokineke (clan). 
I was instead named "Vinaina Kalokalo"
Kalokalo means 'the star' while the true origins and meaning of Vinaina  remains a mystery. 

 So till then- more appreciation and self love of my name is what's needed!