What kind of momma will i be?

"The strongest lesson I can teach my son is the same lesson I teach my daughter: how to be who he wishes to be for himself. And the best way I can do this is to be who I am and hope that he will learn from this not how to be me, which is not possible, but how to be himself. And this means how to move to that voice from within himself, rather than to those raucous, persuasive, or threatening voices from outside, pressuring him to be what the world wants him to be."
- Audre Lorde, Caribbean-American writer, womanist and civil rights activist

"What kind of momma will i be?", I ask myself. 

I ask myself that question quite a lot of times- i ask that question when i am shopping, i ask that question when i am walking, i ask that question when i am writing,  i ask that question when i am cooking...i keep on asking that question till my mind and heart is distracted with the most mundane things.

I grew up in a violent home- it was violent as violent could be ( why would one want to exaggerate this- why would i pretend this life didn't exist)...so how i defined love and how i saw love was quite different. I created my world in a mind and heart that only knew sorrow, tears and pain. I continued to see love and peace where i knew it didn't exist (i reckon this is possibly the biggest strength i have and hold)- i mean this childhood/adulthood can/could have gone the other direction. Be a messed up fuck, dealer, killer, liar, fucker of sorts. But i am glad that i opted for the difficult path, the unimaginable road. A place i couldn't imagine but i knew existed. I knew love, peace, patience and big bear hugs existed. I knew forgiveness was possible. I knew somewhere, happiness was waiting for me and promised to never leave.

I share briefly of my childhood because it influences a lot of my imagined parenting techniques, it answered my daily question of "what kind of momma will i be?"

I will be the overly protective type (not in a scary way i hope- but not wanting anyone or anybody to hurt them)
I will be the extra loving type (the one that would only shower them with love and big cuddly hugs)
I will be the one that will make them yummy food (and i know that they will keep on coming back home for more)
I will be the patient momma (i will not be forceful or "be in your business" type of momma)
I will be understanding and always talking about life and consequences.
I compare my parenting style to that of my mum- and i really love how my mum has been open, understanding and way too fun (my mum is a bubble of energy, joy and happiness)- i want to be like that too (though i doubt the bubble of energy will be a daily occurrence- but i promise to try).

I wish children had more say in their parents relationship(s)- while growing up, i always wanted my parents to not be together, there was so much unhappiness and pain yet they were together for more than 30+ years. I think them being together did more harm than good. Especially to us as children.
But i will only share my experience and my lived reality as that is my story to tell.

I am not a momma (i can't biologically have children- God knew i would dose them with lots of love), but my two brothers are "daddas/daddies/dads/fathers"- they are living my dream. We all have our challenges but i have seen their children make them the man that they struggled so hard to be while growing up. They are everything that i want to be.

Though i still argue that i am a mum to my 13 feline bubs and i am protective as hell.
I am an aunt to my beautiful nieces and nephews- the ones who have had the opportunity to spend more time with me have been way too spoiled by me- but i am not complaining at all and nor are they :-)

I wish parents could listen to their children more- i wish children didn't have to be forced to stay with the 'better' parent, but instead with the parent that could give them all the love in the world. I wish children were not forced to go and spend time with their parent(s) simply because its the right thing to do, children know whats right and wrong for them. I think more damage is done when children are forced to choose to stay/live with a parent they are not comfortable with. Children need a loving and nurturing environment.

Despite the chaos while growing up (and to some extent now), i am so blessed to be surrounded by strong amazing women and men. My grandfather and my TTL were my beacons of strength and great examples of men. I am glad they showed me that good loving men exists, that happy families exist and love is love is love.

With all that i am and all that i have become, I will make a goddamn great fucking amazing momma- but for now let me go prepare dinner (fish) for my feline bubs!