when a child is all you dream about (...sometimes)

“My child- I will find you. I see you smiling in the rays of sunshine- I see you sliding down the rainbows. I see you! In whatever form you come- you have become one with my soul and heart”

(Spending time with these beautiful children- Agent Orange Rehab Centre Vietnam. photo: Victor Sapar)

I close my eyes and I imagine tiny fingers, tiny nose and chubby cheeks.

I imagine tiny hands gripping onto mine so hard they don’t want to let go.

I imagine their mushy wet lil’ lips all over my face especially when they kissing their ‘momma’ with so much love.

I smile, I feel all ‘chummy’, I feel immense love and immediately in ‘awww’ mode.

I stop.

I tell myself, “Come back to the real world Veen. Pull yourself together. It’s not impossible!!!”

Tears stream down my cheeks, as I open my eyes, my heartbreaks, I feel a tight knot in my tummy- it hurts and then I slowly massage it. Purse my lips, thumb moves closely to my lower lip (a sign of nervousness and anxiety).

I breathe in patience, hope, faith, trust and forgiveness and breathe out ‘pity for the self’, I breathe out ‘anger’, and I breathe out ‘endo’.

As a child, I always grew up knowing that I was going to adopt. Even to the point where I was reminded few years ago that I had always said it so often that my body must have started believing in it hence the difficulty to conceive.

But life took me on a different journey, in a lot of ways I am thankful for this journey I am on.

Though I get myself all worked up on wanting to be a mum and to give birth the “natural” (arguable) way- I am beginning to question why am I being so selfish!

I suppose as a child I was able to understand the world and its unfairness quite clearly. At that young age, adopting made a lot of sense and not once did I question it. I mean I wrote about it quite often as a child, teenager and when I turned 21 to present.

So why was there a sudden change of heart? Why did I question adoption?

Would I be less of a mother if I adopted?

Would I still not be a mother to these beautiful souls? Is it because they don’t have my eyes, my button nose or my curls? Am I really that self centered, selfish and narcissistic to even think in such a manner?

What does it mean to be a mum? I am a mum/aunt/queen/goddess to many of my nieces and nephews that I feel that being a mum comes quite naturally to me. Though I do have issues with nappy change and poop- well in case you start thinking I don’t like getting my hands dirty- you are wrong. I don’t know what it is, but I have a slight ‘problem but it can also be seen as a blessing’- I hardly can smell babies poop. Yes! I cant really smell it so I have lots of experiences whereby fingers and hands have often been in contact with poop and lots of it if I must say so myself.

But anyways, moving back to being a mum- I think I will be a very “overly protective mum” and they will only eat healthy food and snacks and wont own any gadgets except they will have loads of books and library in each empty space of the house. They will get to play outside most of the time and will have my undivided attention. Oh they will be so so loved and adored!

I know many parents reading this might be laughing at me, especially of my unrealistic expectations- but heck, if I am dreaming about these amazing lil’ humans already and their lives – then why not dream of a beautiful gadget free life and be filled with surrounding them in fresh air and forests and making sure that I work towards that life- its definitely not impossible and knowing me- I love to challenge myself!

You see, I try to joke around when it comes to the topic of children, simply because I know how emotional I get when I know its simply difficult (but not impossible) to have children.

Unlike many women who can easily have children (when they actually want to), isn’t a characteristic I share. Its difficult and it has come with lots of trying, lots of tears and sadness, it also came with lots of visits to specialists, blood tests and things put inside of one’s vagina and yes its definitely not cheap!

I am at a stage where I am rethinking my options- I am thinking and redefining being a ‘momma’ (that’s what I prefer to be called by my children).

I do edge on the crazy side when I am surrounded by children- I honestly go all ‘mushy’ with children around and yes my nephews and nieces have picked up on this :-)

My niece for her birthday in 2012 asked me for a unicorn- well she knew Auntie Veena would get her one- but by the time I found one she wanted a pony. By the way at this age- she believed in unicorns (I hope she still does) and wanted me to buy a real pony…hmmm

I remember when I was in Australia for a visit few years ago. My nephews were giving their shopping list to ‘Auntie Veena’, and their shopping list consisted of favourite fruits, a snack and a game till one of my nephews comes up to me, looks me in the eye- hugs me and says how much he loves me, then asks, ‘Auntie Veena, can you buy me some things’, I obviously hugged him and said, ‘of course’, he smiles his cheeky smile, he has a twinkle in his eye then says, ‘Auntie Veena, can you buy me leather shoes, a flat screen TV for my games and an Xbox’,….hahahahaha…If I had the money for such things at that particular time I honestly would have bought it (definitely goes against my own beliefs with gadgets)- but I am glad sometimes my brains actually function when I am around children. I responded with a ‘No, bubs, Auntie Veena doesn’t even own a TV, so perhaps I should get you books’. Well he later said, ‘why have books’, when you can have ‘audio books’…these children I tell you!

So till I actually have children of my own (biological or not), I will continue to dream big for my kids and continue to love my nieces and nephews like crazy. Yes am all ‘mush’ when it comes to these children of mine!

I also have to make sure that I am not leaving behind ‘footprints’ despite the damages already done by mankind!

I hope, someday in the near future I can be more ‘serious’ about this subject matter- but till then I will mix in some jokes and giggles to make this topic somewhat light to deal with.