Divorce…Separation…what’s it like? What did you do?

Divorce…Separation…what’s it like? What did you do?

“A mix of cold sweats, heart beating faster than normal, twisted tummy with scared butterflies fluttering around and a feeling of yet another headache coming along when I think of divorce and separation”, and these are feelings and emotions I wrote down when I was in a “one digit” age group!

At that young age, I knew exactly what I wanted and where I wanted to be in life. I knew that I was going to adopt children, I knew I was going to be very independent and that would mean working hard to challenge my INFJ tendencies and personality traits, but going through my old diaries and notebooks, I only see well written stories and articles of the situations of our world and a reminder that I didn’t need a ‘man’ to make everything complete. I was a child- how did I know all these things? Perhaps I knew something at that age that the adult me refused to acknowledge. 

Well, I got married young in my early twenties and was divorced in my late twenties.  The two experiences in my life that I am grateful and thankful for.

“So how are you Vee?” “What does it feel like?” “Oh I didn’t even know you two were married”, “Oh, what’s going to happen now, you know you divorced and all”, “don’t worry we/you will need to look for an older man who is also a divorcee’”…and my list of statements such as this continues and I am left speechless (forced) because I am doing my mental “om, breathe V, Ommmm, breathe V….ommmmmmm” and “1,breathe, 2, breathe, 3, breathe…” (Those who are very close to me are very familiar with me being this way) .

Well anyways, to answer the question, “what’s it like”?

It’s an experience that is like a ‘rollercoaster ride”, or if you in Fiji then its like a “mini bus ride to Nadi and back with loud terrible music”, or “its like being in India (or anywhere in general) after having eaten something terrible and having running stomach continuously”…hahaha…yes that’s how it was.  

But keeping in mind that all of these do come to a stop - so its up to one on how they deal with that moment to make things abit more ‘enjoyable’, ‘liveable’ and accepting and acknowledging the situation and emotions that come with it. No need to fight it, just learn to dance differently and better and that’s what I did! Its all about experiences and making sure you have some good experiences and moments when thinking back.

But anyways, going back to what it was like, if you are familiar with me and know ‘me’, in a very typical “vee” style I made a plan, yes you read right, I made a plan on how I was going to deal with this shitty end result of something/someone I had dearly loved.  So here goes  my plan/list:

1.     2013- Deal with it on my own

2.     Cut my hair real short after two months- my way of confirming to myself that I didn’t need this shit in my life…EVER

3.     After 3 months tell immediate women in my family and close friends

4.     3 months dedicated to crying (night and day- no restrictions). After that, just cry happy tears.

5.     5^th month- get out of Fiji to reflect and seek inspiration and strength from within. And off I went :-)

6.     Speak only to those that matter and spend time with those that truly matter.

7.     Live in the same place/home for a year and deal with everything head on! (This was hard)

8.     October 2013, celebrate in style (NYC of course) and reclaim every bit of who I am.

9.     November 2013, reclaim my home, “soovahh”, and every little place that made me smile/angry and places I love hanging out in- I made new memories and that included places we would frequent together. My gfs and women in my family made a huge impact on these places that, now when I think of these places I only think of their craziness  and the fun we all had :-)

10. Boxing day of 2013, pack things that belongs to him including the rings and the rest- donate or throw it all out. (mind you i returned the rings X3 to him and ONLY his things), the rest of the things 'we' purchased together was either donated or thrown away, and things i bought with my own hard-earned $$$ i kept. I also deleted so called friends from my life.

11. New Year 2014- this year greeted me with so much love, peace and forgiveness that I was a new person. I was so happy with who I had become. I focussed on what made me happy and who made me ‘more me’. I made sure I lived a healthy lifestyle, danced like crazy and to inspire and be inspired by amazing positive energies! Continue to forgive myself!

12. Divorce to happen no later than June 2014, Divorce was finalised early July

13. Leave old job for new job 2014.

14. Upon final divorce proceedings, leave the country, wherever it may be…just leave…so I emptied savings to travel to the US and met some amazing humans. Rediscovered myself (this happens most of the time these days) (July-August)

15. Love, Smile, Live life intentionally, dance, kiss in the rain and be at peace…Now…I am constantly so happy and at peace with who I am. The joys of being honest with oneself and situations in life make life pretty amazing!

So that was my plan and well, I followed through all of them. 2013 was definitely a very tough ride, but you see for me I had to do it alone (and ONLY with the women in my family and close circle of friends) because I process these things quite differently, I need to acknowledge my pain, my tears and to deal with my broken heart in a manner that I understood.

When going through this, one needs to be strong in who they are and what they are capable of- if you are one of those people that lack that confidence then seek these from amazing people from around you.

I have been blessed…I reconnected with my amazing friends and family and reconnected with the “me” that I had locked up for various reasons- I had become someone I was not happy with, I became someone I didn’t recognise. But now i wake up being happy, loving life and who i have become. 

For me a divorce is nothing at this age, many state the obvious stereotypical statements…but for me as long as one respects the institution of “relationships” or “marriages” then life and human relations will be amazing! And what’s key is to remember to respect  and love the “self” in these situations.