The wandering soul of the dragonfly monk

I initially started off with a long post, but then I ended up not saving my draft. I suppose it's a good thing. Thank you to the many individuals who have been part of my journey. Thankyou for all your love, support, patience and prayers. I am on recovery mode still. Had a 5 hour surgery requiring 3 bags of blood transfusion on the 15th December. Unlike many healthy people, my hemoglobin (Or as a dearest friend would say...' your hemo-goblin') count was on the low side. I had atleast 5 surgical procedures done during the 5 hours I was in theatre. All my tests came out clear and cancer free, which was amazing news! Endo (and Adenomyosis) were such pests that they had taken over my uterus, fallopian tubes,  ovaries, bowels,  ureter, bladder and was slowly reaching out to my kidney. I also found out from my doctor that my uterus weighed 8 times more than an average uterus which is around 80grams. So yes mine weighed around 680grms (>), ohhh and I am now somewhere betwee...

So one day i realised, that i was part of a movement of angry and unhappy feminists.  “If any female feels she need anything beyond herself to legitimate and validate her existence, she is already giving away her power to be self-defining, her agency.”  ―  bell hooks ,  Feminism is for Everybody: Passionate Politics Being angry and unhappy are not Negatives in my books. I think they are very healthy to feel as such. What we do and how we respond to these feelings are quite important and crucial. I identify as a Feminist. I am a Feminist.  15 years ago i used to be one of those young women who identified with the principles and values of feminism but was uncomfortable to identify as one- I was not confident in myself to say, " I am a Feminist". I had my own unsettling thoughts on being a feminist and i had to really dissect these thoughts to fully understand my position. Once i did that, i realised that calling myself a feminist was not a bad thing, it...

To the loves of my life...when I'm gone smile and be happy because you made our relationship intentional.  I have lost a few very close loved ones in my life-some by death and the others because of distance. Some of my relationships have died due to our personal differences, and our purpose in life has taken us in opposite directions. We no longer served each other any purpose or good. I often wonder if they left knowing, knowing that i really did love them. With our new virtual reality and life where we share pretty much everything online i see lots of people commenting about people they have lost. They share their last moments together, some share how much that person meant to them while others in most cases often talk about the regrets and the 'if only'. You see when i am gone (whether it be due to death or simply life has tasked me with another adventure), i hope 'we' know how much we 'mean' to each other. I have been making (or trying my be...

I don't write poetry anymore. The book and pen by my bed side table have become fixtures,   part of my room decor. I don't write poetry anymore,  i stopped when i found him on top of me just as the moon joined the death of day, into obscurity I don't write poetry anymore especially as words now hold grunts, screams and words hold tears- Poetry is no longer poetry empty...empty like the uterus that no longer holds life a death of a dream- flickering like a dying lamp. I don't write poetry anymore i now have a selection of 'faces' to put on just like the choices of shoes i own feelings... bitter- i'm disowned just like the morning after pill that now resembles shame A shame that holds life- at ransom A price i can't pay I still endure the pain I don't write poetry anymore as words no longer flow the recycled paper remains empty the ink reminds her of the blood slowly making its way down her thighs- in his hands- A hand...now r...

When you have checked out even before you checked in.  when you run a mile even before you let them in.  The mysteries of the world disjointed chemistry no one wants to be bold but would rather live in this misery When you have checked out even before you checked in The constant thought the ego, the feelings, the lusting of this mind, this thing... at the stop of the clock you search for this being When you have checked out even before you checked in To wish  to be  to be inextricably intertwined to each other/to many  to want, to need, to be distant afar close to feel, to taste, to want to simply say in a miscalculated way i crave your mind,  in a diluted sway i move, i move from a distance i look i feel confined knowing full well i have checked out even before i checked in

How do you deal with life? Is your life filled with bliss? What dreams do you have? I sometimes wonder about my life and what I am actually doing with it. I feel like I have so little time and I have not achieved or done a lot. Although, I also know that isn’t true. I have done enough with what I can, with what I have, to the best of my abilities. I want to have ‘momma Vee’s’ kitchen up and running, I want to have a big land with a tiny home or two.  I want to have a big garden (and a communal garden), I want to have a farm with animals. I am also thinking of having an initiative that works with people who have no homes, and a restaurant that only employs people on the streets. It may not be everyones cup of tea, but it definitely would be mine! I also want to have a library, somewhere in the forest, where you just come and chill and read, and have some hearty meals and if you are tired, you can sleep in one of the readily available tiny homes, and if ...

"So what are you", someone asked. Perplexed and not entirely sure if i knew what they were asking. "Pardon, what do you mean, what am i?", i asked. I guess at this point with their body language, i somewhat assumed that they were asking me to perhaps explain myself to them, in terms of my sexual orientation. So they asked again if i identified as a 'bisexual' or 'lesbian'. No 'in between', no room for anything else. It was either i was a 'bisexual' or a 'lesbian'. You see my sense of humour is pretty "sick' (for the lack of a better word) and then there is my imagination. I imagine everything. I love it! My imagination is so vivid that it keeps me entertained/worry, and i often am giggling or laughing out loudly. You may ask why this random line...umm because its very much connected to my attraction to people and because i am/can be so random. Anyways back to the story, I often try and explain to peopl...

"The strongest lesson I can teach my son is the same lesson I teach my daughter: how to be who he wishes to be for himself. And the best way I can do this is to be who I am and hope that he will learn from this not how to be me, which is not possible, but how to be himself. And this means how to move to that voice from within himself, rather than to those raucous, persuasive, or threatening voices from outside, pressuring him to be what the world wants him to be." -  Audre Lorde , Caribbean-American writer, womanist and civil rights activist "What kind of momma will i be?", I ask myself.  I ask myself that question quite a lot of times- i ask that question when i am shopping, i ask that question when i am walking, i ask that question when i am writing,  i ask that question when i am cooking...i keep on asking that question till my mind and heart is distracted with the most mundane things. I grew up in a violent home- it was violent as violent could be (...

Happy New Year! I know i am a month and a few days late...but i still wanted to wish you all anyway. Its been a while since my last entry. I have been caught up with quite a few things, but most importantly i have been trying to take an emotional and mental break from the chaos of life. Taking a step back and slowing down has been my number one goal. Doing just that, has given me some perspective and the much needed rest my mind, body and soul deserves. I have been writing a lot of letters and postcards in the past few weeks. I also have been making time for more books. I have set targets to  read X number of books a month- so far i have been doing quite well. I decided on not wasting my precious time on unnecessary things so i have slowly removed those items from my life. The health is still such an inconvenience, still deciding on the next available and reliable gynecologist, not that we have a range of options here in Fiji. Most of my worries relating to my health ...