The wandering soul of the dragonfly monk

  Death: the silent and peaceful twin of life and love   Each time death visits me, it brings along a friend- grief . This pandemic has brought me closer to darkness- not in the traditional sense of how one would associate the ‘feelings, emotions and the actions’ connected with this word, but rather openly welcoming it into my life, acknowledging it and for the first time in years allowing it to stay and be at peace with it. Some of you may not be able to understand this or grasp how one can feel this- but maybe one day I truly hope you can feel what I feel and maybe when that happens, we can chat more about it. In the meantime, I will try and share how ‘grief’ and ‘death’ visited me. The past year and this year have dished out a number of deaths our way- way too many I tell you! but that is the cycle of life, of reincarnation and death. Last year, I lost a dear friend of mine, a dear soul that shared his magic with me, and I hope I shared some magic with him through...

Today she died Last week it was that young woman- This month it was a friend’s colleague Few months ago it was a friend's niece                                                   Few years ago it could have been me Early this year it was a distant relative  3 years ago it was a dear friend 6 years ago it could have been my mother 30 years ago, it was my namesake. When will we do something? When will we stop saying," It's none of my business"                                              ”You made the choice"                                                "it’s normal" When will ...

"Confused, I drink out of both. Why should it matter if a stream of cool, refreshing water pours into my mouth or another?" Margarita Engle, Enchanted Air: Two Cultures, Two Wings.  "Viii-naii-nahh, ummm Veeninaaa, Viniana, Vinai-na Kalokalo", as the teacher struggled to say this name while i looked around confused to see who this person was.  As i looked around, i also wondered how familiar those names were.  I knew too well that that's not how you pronounce ' that' name- you really had to stress all the syllables. That was perhaps my first realisation of the stigma and insecurity this name carried.  Unlike most of the population, i was born with a different name and different identity.  I was born during a time (and still live in a time)  that is full of racism and hatred. As someone who is of mixed ethnicity, it has always been a struggle -  it wasn't about fitting in but rather a struggle to belong. I think that's been ...

"Tears are words that need to be written." -Paulo Coelho My dearest NLB They say that time will bring healing That these wounds will become scars That with time Grief becomes happiness Pain becomes strength I wish it was easier to accept  But time did not bring healing ~pain remains ~grief is ever so present ~while pain is just that - pain I am still angry at the world I am angry I, on many occasions, imagine, imagine, what you would be doing now would you still be flying with the birds? I imagine our conversations  would it still be the same?  would we still have a lot in common? would we still view the world the same way? I am angry  I am selfish because your passing was sudden I find it hard to accept I am angry That you were not able to see the world I am angry  that we didn't get to witness more of each others happiness and sorrows I am angry  that you are not here ...

What does it feel like to be happy? To smile from the heart and the eyes? To not fear the darkness To only see it as a shadow- behind you where it belongs To no longer live a life Filled with lies. What does it feel like to be amongst sunshine and dandelions? Does it make your heart happy and light? Does it? Does it take away all the pain and just like rain… Wash away all your tears and do you finally say, ‘ I am fine’? They said it was easy When you are happy, to not have a care in the world I think they lied They should not dabble with ‘make beliefs’ Because each day a part of me dies Time flies With each sunrise and sunset A ray of light stops shining And I take a step back A step back to where nothing grows My heart stops pining My emptiness attract Just like the river, loneliness flows Darkness My heart You can see It in my eyes Loneliness lives Breathes I can never be free

"and here you are living, despite it all" - Rupi Kaur “About a third of my cases are suffering from no clinically definable neurosis, but from the senselessness and emptiness of their lives. This can be defined as the general neurosis of our times.”  ―  C.G. Jung When was the last time you checked on a friend or a family member to see if he/she/they were doing ok?  I am aware that the more i get in touch with friends or family the more i realise that we are all struggling with our sadness and depression alone.  I have come to realise that we are surrounded by many sad individuals than happy ones.  At least 4 out of 5 people i know, are sad and depressed. In this week alone, i have been told how they are struggling to just live. I also am aware that i am struggling with energies and auras.  Many might be thinking that all i write about is the 'sad sappy sook' stuff. Why am i not writing about the 'happy stuff' ?! Well the truth is that we...

My lifestyle has always been a work in progress. I try to be the best version of myself. Sometimes I fail but that doesn't stop me from trying. This year, I am saying NO to the following: 1. Purchasing of clothes, shoes, jewelries and books. 2. Clutter 3. Processed food 4. Takeaway containers, cups and straws. 5. Not buying frozen meat especially chicken. I am saying YES to the following: 1. Healthy living 2. Organic and fresh food 3. Minimal lifestyle 4. Reducing carbon footprints 5. Reuse and recycle 6. Making more homemade jams, chutneys,  dips, oil, and spice mix. 7. Kindness, peace, faith, love and patience 8. Reading I will try my best to do the following: 1. Use of organic and eco-friendly makeups (I only use lipsticks, eyeliner and mascara ). 2. Buy less packaged products. 3. More gardening 4. Clearing of items and material possessions that no longer serves it's purpose. 5. Stepping away from toxic people and relationships. I am excited about the...

I initially started off with a long post, but then I ended up not saving my draft. I suppose it's a good thing. Thank you to the many individuals who have been part of my journey. Thankyou for all your love, support, patience and prayers. I am on recovery mode still. Had a 5 hour surgery requiring 3 bags of blood transfusion on the 15th December. Unlike many healthy people, my hemoglobin (Or as a dearest friend would say...' your hemo-goblin') count was on the low side. I had atleast 5 surgical procedures done during the 5 hours I was in theatre. All my tests came out clear and cancer free, which was amazing news! Endo (and Adenomyosis) were such pests that they had taken over my uterus, fallopian tubes,  ovaries, bowels,  ureter, bladder and was slowly reaching out to my kidney. I also found out from my doctor that my uterus weighed 8 times more than an average uterus which is around 80grams. So yes mine weighed around 680grms (>), ohhh and I am now somewhere betwee...

So one day i realised, that i was part of a movement of angry and unhappy feminists.  “If any female feels she need anything beyond herself to legitimate and validate her existence, she is already giving away her power to be self-defining, her agency.”  ―  bell hooks ,  Feminism is for Everybody: Passionate Politics Being angry and unhappy are not Negatives in my books. I think they are very healthy to feel as such. What we do and how we respond to these feelings are quite important and crucial. I identify as a Feminist. I am a Feminist.  15 years ago i used to be one of those young women who identified with the principles and values of feminism but was uncomfortable to identify as one- I was not confident in myself to say, " I am a Feminist". I had my own unsettling thoughts on being a feminist and i had to really dissect these thoughts to fully understand my position. Once i did that, i realised that calling myself a feminist was not a bad thing, it...

To the loves of my life...when I'm gone smile and be happy because you made our relationship intentional.  I have lost a few very close loved ones in my life-some by death and the others because of distance. Some of my relationships have died due to our personal differences, and our purpose in life has taken us in opposite directions. We no longer served each other any purpose or good. I often wonder if they left knowing, knowing that i really did love them. With our new virtual reality and life where we share pretty much everything online i see lots of people commenting about people they have lost. They share their last moments together, some share how much that person meant to them while others in most cases often talk about the regrets and the 'if only'. You see when i am gone (whether it be due to death or simply life has tasked me with another adventure), i hope 'we' know how much we 'mean' to each other. I have been making (or trying my be...

I don't write poetry anymore. The book and pen by my bed side table have become fixtures,   part of my room decor. I don't write poetry anymore,  i stopped when i found him on top of me just as the moon joined the death of day, into obscurity I don't write poetry anymore especially as words now hold grunts, screams and words hold tears- Poetry is no longer poetry empty...empty like the uterus that no longer holds life a death of a dream- flickering like a dying lamp. I don't write poetry anymore i now have a selection of 'faces' to put on just like the choices of shoes i own feelings... bitter- i'm disowned just like the morning after pill that now resembles shame A shame that holds life- at ransom A price i can't pay I still endure the pain I don't write poetry anymore as words no longer flow the recycled paper remains empty the ink reminds her of the blood slowly making its way down her thighs- in his hands- A hand...now r...

When you have checked out even before you checked in.  when you run a mile even before you let them in.  The mysteries of the world disjointed chemistry no one wants to be bold but would rather live in this misery When you have checked out even before you checked in The constant thought the ego, the feelings, the lusting of this mind, this thing... at the stop of the clock you search for this being When you have checked out even before you checked in To wish  to be  to be inextricably intertwined to each other/to many  to want, to need, to be distant afar close to feel, to taste, to want to simply say in a miscalculated way i crave your mind,  in a diluted sway i move, i move from a distance i look i feel confined knowing full well i have checked out even before i checked in

How do you deal with life? Is your life filled with bliss? What dreams do you have? I sometimes wonder about my life and what I am actually doing with it. I feel like I have so little time and I have not achieved or done a lot. Although, I also know that isn’t true. I have done enough with what I can, with what I have, to the best of my abilities. I want to have ‘momma Vee’s’ kitchen up and running, I want to have a big land with a tiny home or two.  I want to have a big garden (and a communal garden), I want to have a farm with animals. I am also thinking of having an initiative that works with people who have no homes, and a restaurant that only employs people on the streets. It may not be everyones cup of tea, but it definitely would be mine! I also want to have a library, somewhere in the forest, where you just come and chill and read, and have some hearty meals and if you are tired, you can sleep in one of the readily available tiny homes, and if ...