The wandering soul of the dragonfly monk

With the New Year here and all that bullshit people put up as their resolutions and goals…     …Are you one of those people that with each new year you decide to have a list of new years resolutions and promises?! Did you follow through with any of them, or did it simply become a list…a useless list, perhaps the only thing you did was exercise your mind (for a few brief seconds), perhaps used a pen and paper or to type it all up and shared it to everyone (on FB), mastered up the courage to proclaim to the world that these are the things that you will be working towards and in the process lie to yourself that you are going to achieve ALL of it…or simply try meet the goals you had set out. It’s great to have a list and expectations…but is it even realistic? Usually a lot of excuses and reasons come up as to why they didn’t achieve what they had set out initially early in the year, instead of acknowledging and accepting their situation in not making small ba

Divorce…Separation…what’s it like? What did you do? “A mix of cold sweats, heart beating faster than normal, twisted tummy with scared butterflies fluttering around and a feeling of yet another headache coming along when I think of divorce and separation”, and these are feelings and emotions I wrote down when I was in a “one digit” age group! At that young age, I knew exactly what I wanted and where I wanted to be in life. I knew that I was going to adopt children, I knew I was going to be very independent and that would mean working hard to challenge my INFJ tendencies and personality traits, but going through my old diaries and notebooks, I only see well written stories and articles of the situations of our world and a reminder that I didn’t need a ‘man’ to make everything complete. I was a child- how did I know all these things? Perhaps I knew something at that age that the adult me refused to acknowledge.   Well, I got married young in my early twenties and wa

If I had to write a letter to the ‘one that got away’, it would read like this… My dearest NLB, I will not ask God to turn back time because I don’t want to rewrite what has been written. I want to only ask for more time with you- just so that we can keep our promises to each other. I want more time with you so that we can create new memories of ‘us’ and spend our holidays and birthdays with each other. I am paying the price for my choices and I feel that we both lost, because you paid the price too. You told me how much I meant to you, I smiled with tears in my eyes and walked away- I thought time was our friend and that’s all you and I needed. I made a life changing mistake! I know I took the path, which you would never want for me. I put you through hell and brought you down to your knees with tears (your words…remember). I cried … and I knew I was wrong, but…please forgive me for what I did… We talked about our future, we talked ab

The likes of Kafka/Murakami/Hooks/Butler...turn me on Many have questioned my sexuality, while many have questioned my happiness and my choice to remain single. I mean, I don’t know why people find it so easy to ‘box’ or confine someone into a space that is so claustrophobic and when one admires the beauty of another, your sexuality is being judged and you are immediately categorised as the ‘other’. Perhaps I am too busy loving love, loving myself and loving people, that I don’t easily get affected or distracted by insignificant people and their insignificant opinions however I sure do wonder why people are like this. Is it because they feel so low about themselves that they look for a scapegoat or a reason to make themselves feel better about themselves? But how can one thrive in happiness by putting the other person down? My sexuality- well let me say that I have always been attracted to intelligence. I am attracted to deep conversations and meaningful r

To the love that I never lost… “I have watched love pass us both by Not sure if it was meant for us or for someone else And sometimes I wonder if we were even meant to be I wanted to hold you till we died I wanted you and only you I loved you unconditionally We both made a vow A vow of ‘through it all’” Love did not envelope me in her bosom the first time it happened, I was not sure if I should even love, let alone be worthy of love at that particular time in my life. Out of a serious long-term relationship (with someone whom I dearly loved- knew we could never be happy together, we were simply two different individuals- and I broke his heart) and I got myself into this relationship that I knew was going to work. I said goodbye to all the loves I had, I said goodbye to the love I had for myself and hoped that someday, someday that I could revisit all those loves with open arms again and happiness. Now I see, how young and scared I was at

The Journey of this soulful wandering dragonfly monk... She knew exactly how she got there, All those tears and laughter did not go to waste. She looked back and smiled... She had created a rainbow. She quickly wanders around this space of silence and enjoys who she has become. Not because of what she has achieved (though important nonetheless), she is forever grateful for those tears that she shed for the loss of the love...the love she had for herself. It was those moments that truly redefined her being. She had cheated; yes she cheated herself on becoming someone she hardly knew. Along this journey, she met many soulful humans.  Humans, when they walked, walked to their own tunes, when they danced, you know they became one with the drum beats and the strumming of the guitar. She also met those humans, who were lost, She cared for them but could not really be of any help, Because she felt that one needs to wander or get lost in order to find oneself a

My uninvited, rude and disrespectful guest- Endometriosis What if, what if what we see is all we got?   Did I keep some fire hidden away in my heart to keep me fighting to each surprising day? Things have gotten real with us...oh yes it has! One day, I woke up and you were there, and you never did want to leave. You are my mystery one, my painful guilt of a regret, you are my painful dream of you and me. Our hate relationship has lasted longer than most of those 'love relationships' i have had with soulful souls.  Did I make God unhappy, is that why I have, ‘endo’? Perhaps God knew me better than anyone else and perhaps gave it to a selected few that could perhaps handle it with 'style' and continue to look for the brightness at the end of the dark tunnel of this disease. To die beneath the veins and my body wasting away to the pain that embodies this disease and once and for all to look at ‘endo’ in the eye and say, I welcome you, I thank

(A letter to the “INFJ” self – Me) Dear Me, Lets take a train out of this place and let the wind dance with your curls. Lets smile a bit less to strangers and lets participate in small talks every now and then, who knows who you might meet and who might just make a memory worth smiling about. Its ok to not plan things and live out of your diary and planner- the world won’t stop. Time wont stop if you missed out on putting your white shirts with your black shirts and its ok to not place your teacup on a coaster. Even though you love your sleep and enjoy watching the sunset, wake up an hour earlier and enjoy the sunrise, let the sun kiss your soft face and let your eyes tear up.   Empty all your savings and go to Japan, Ireland, New Orleans, Amazons, and bike around Europe and be a bum in Italy. When you turn 33, can you shave all your hair, go trekking in the Himalayas and live with the monks at the monastery- and when you do this, can you only take few