The wandering soul of the dragonfly monk

“The heart is capable of sacrifice. So is the vagina. The heart is able to forgive and repair. It can change its shape to let us in. It can expand to let us out. So can the vagina. It can ache for us and stretch for us, die for us and bleed and bleed us into this difficult, wondrous world. So can the vagina. I was there in the room. I remember.”   ―   Eve Ensler ,   The Vagina Monologues Yes you read that right…I said, ‘lets talk about my vagina’, or perhaps, let me say- lets talk about your vagina or rephrase that, and say, lets talk about vaginas.  When was the last time you said, "vagina"? Do you even say vagina? how often have you used it while having sex (or not)?- perhaps not that often right...i mean, you might say its not sexy enough, or that it may not have that edgy sound to it.  It reminds of this quote, “ It's a totally ridiculous, completely unsexy word. If you use it during sex, trying to be politically correct-- "Darling, could

  I immerse my soul in words so I can live a little longer. I allow my mind to take the lead, while my pen follows, capturing each and every feeling so it breathes life into my heart…such has been my life and then I step out of ‘my world’ and I am joined with a mixed bunch of humans. I am sickened to the core of my being, to be constantly surrounded by so much agony, hate, negativity, and self-loving humans. It has been a while since i have met someone, who was genuinely happy to be breathing, to be alive or to be laughing- apart from the few people i know but their auras/lights are dimmed.  It has been a while since I have heard someone speak kind words to each other, of one another or to the self. It has been a while since I met someone who was simply thankful to just be. I don’t know when and why people stopped caring- how could I have missed it? So much negativity has become so toxic! It’s so contagious. People are trying so hard to be different that they

A lot has happened since I last wrote on my blog and perhaps the reason why I have not written anything is because I am playing catch up with time and trying to sort this “elephant in the room” out. I have struggled to write recently, mainly because for me to write I need inspiration and as of late I have not been inspired and nor have I experienced any magical feeling.  It’s been hard to write, especially when it feels like I am a dog chasing my own tail. I recently discovered a few things about me, like how I fear ‘conflict’ which for me means ‘instability’ which then takes me back to personal painful life experiences. That explains a lot about me especially how I carry myself and how I interact with people. A recent training that I was part of, allowed me to remove all these layers that I had considered part of me. I didn’t realize how much hurt and pain I was carrying, hiding and ignoring. I also feared being seen as a big ‘softie’, I didn’t want to be deemed weak- I

(p.s: this is my personal rant about my ‘hit & miss’ with my sexuality and attractions) Aaahhh!!! What have I done?! I have opened Pandora’s box and would definitely get some reactions to this statement alone and would also receive (unwanted) comments, but this is the truth- I’m not a lesbian but my girlfriend is. To even explain this to the many who have questioned my sexuality and attraction has become an energy draining, time consuming, quite frustrating and irritating moment(s). I have found myself in a “head nodding” game   (to see how many times I nod when I disagree with an opinion without going all kung fu panda with them). This is often done with a smile (and a tonne of patience) of trying to understand the other person’s perspectives and simply listening (and slowly zoning out) to their explanation on my sexuality and ‘what I am’, ‘how it will be’ and it’s ‘just a phase’.   Don’t get me started to even talk about my attractions and connections to beau

Two-faced By dusk,  everyday,  I remove my mask And each dawn I put it back on – again. Such has been my life and such has been my way of life for a while... I hide nothing that may cause death to one But I hide so much, so I do not cause death to my soul I am tired of being two-faced The weight I carry with me is getting heavier and I want to rest The burden is unbearable   I shed my tears in hope that it will water my heart for a new life As the dew settles on the green grass And as the first ray of sun, shines through the horizon I sigh and wake – still thankful that I can still breathe, I can still feel and I live… Being a prisoner of your own mind is a greater war- fought with every breath of life I know not- what free means anymore I fear that freedom comes in the form of laughter and a happy soul The mask I wear is of great strength, is of wisdom and is of peace- As darkness greets the sunset,  my face is unmasked,  m

“…How does one speak of violence when their own story of violence is invisible in their own lives…she woke up black & blue and the next morning it was a different hue…who knew rainbows are only visible when your back is against the sun…” (N.B: I do what I do because of the anecdotal stories I have somewhat summarised below. It is this pain and anger that fuels the fire inside of me…I will continue to do what I do...till I am no more). “…Many refuse to talk about their stories of violence because of the stigma and discrimination. Some are simply not comfortable talking about it. Some are scared. I have shared some stories below to shed some light to how real violence is to many…the stories below I must say have been difficult to talk about- though painfully written and shared and experienced- the stories shared below, are of women who managed to escape...they painfully lost a great deal, but they are warriors- they are rebuilding their lives, they are stronger than

“My child- I will find you. I see you smiling in the rays of sunshine- I see you sliding down the rainbows. I see you! In whatever form you come- you have become one with my soul and heart” (Spending time with these beautiful children- Agent Orange Rehab Centre Vietnam. photo: Victor Sapar) I close my eyes and I imagine tiny fingers, tiny nose and chubby cheeks. I imagine tiny hands gripping onto mine so hard they don’t want to let go. I imagine their mushy wet lil’ lips all over my face especially when they kissing their ‘momma’ with so much love. I smile, I feel all ‘chummy’, I feel immense love and immediately in ‘awww’ mode. I stop. I tell myself, “Come back to the real world Veen. Pull yourself together. It’s not impossible!!!” Tears stream down my cheeks, as I open my eyes, my heartbreaks, I feel a tight knot in my tummy- it hurts and then I slowly massage it. Purse my lips, thumb moves closely to my lower lip (a sign of nervousness and a

I am a human version of a sponge! I have gotten to a point now that I can longer breathe that fresh air and am no longer sunkissed but rather ‘sunburnt’. Its tiring to be constantly listening to people’s whinging, whining, complaints, people gossiping, seeing people being nasty, saying mean things about each other to other people yet when it comes to them coming face to face to that person, they ‘wear’ a smile and are so lovely and pretend that everything is beautiful. Wouldn’t it save everyone hell a lot of energy, time and tears to just bloody tell the person how you feel?! (in a constructive non violent manner that is) What book is everyone reading? I clearly missed it- because from what I can see people keep on avoiding the problem yet they have the energy in the world to keep on replaying their story and each time its being replayed, it gets nasty and nastier. I have found myself recently being in a somewhat similar situation in the sense that everyon